*exhale*

Wow. I don't really know how to start this entry. I could go into my past health history, family health history, but I know now that I need to look ahead, at my future, and at my future family's future, because I am a lot worse off than I ever thought.

I went for a training session at the gym tonight after work, and the trainer and I sat down to talk about my goals, why I was there, and beginning steps to take to start reaching my goals. Then he did my BMI test. I have a 34% body fat mass. That is off the charts for someone my age and height. It's really hard to put that out there publicly, but I feel like I need to own up to what I've done to my body. It is what it is, and now I have to fix it. I thought I was in the ballpark of needing to lose 30 pounds to be healthy. The truth is, I need to lose about 50.

So after going over the nitty gritty and numbers, he got me going on the elliptical to raise my heart rate a bit, and then he had me work on strength training. He kicked my butt! I knew he would, but I didn't know how hard it would be. I didn't know how physically challenged I would feel doing things that 10 years ago would have been simple.

I did squat presses with a 20 pound bar, where I held the bar in both hands at eye level, had to squat really low, and then as I stood up, lift the bar over my head and back down. It's one fluid motion, and I had to do it 15 times in a row, twice. That hurt. Hello thighs!

Next he had me sit on a mat and squeeze a big weighted ball between my ankles (so I couldn't cheat). He tossed me a 5 pound weighted ball and I had to catch it and twist to the left and toss it back, then to the right and toss it back. Then he had me lean back at a 45 degree angle and do the same exercise. Holy abdominals! That was followed by him tossing the ball to me, I had to hold it over my head and go back into a full sit up and toss it back to him on the way back up. Ow.

That was followed by lowering myself off a bench, like a butt-down pushup, and then a modified chin up. I was really hurting by the end of that, so I walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes before going home to ease my heart rate. Tonight was the first time I really felt the degree to which I am out of shape.

So, as he told me to do, I am keeping my "eye on the prize" with the shorter term goal, which is looking amazing in my wedding dress, 1 year from this coming Friday, and long term, which is the family I hope to have, to be healthy and teach my kids to live a healthy lifestyle so they don't have to struggle as they grow up.

So you've read it here. I have 50 pounds to go. I am going to need encouragement, and I am going to be encouraging Sean as well, as he and I are doing this together. We have a lot of bad habits to correct, but I have faith that we can do this and the rest of our life together will be happy and healthy.